I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
This is hilarious….
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*