I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.