I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Expect the unexporcupine.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN