I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
You Might Also Like
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’m awake but I object,
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Coffee for people with no kids