I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.