I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
an octopus is just a wet spider
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
This is not me but this is me
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.