I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
me hooking up with my ex
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
grotesque if literal: baby food
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.