I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Monday?
No. Next question.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.