I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
How wrong was this guy?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Why is this me 😫
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.