I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
They got a point!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate