I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough