“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come