I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
#ProTip
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Why font matters.
“i am a sweet baby”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this