I’m literally crying
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
starting a garage orchestra
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.