I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
You Might Also Like
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.