I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount