I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
You Might Also Like
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.