I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
A roof is a house hat.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.