I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You Might Also Like
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Extremely relatable.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: