I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Oops I deleted….
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The three genders
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.