I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence