I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.