I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.