I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.