Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I already tried new things thanks.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵