I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene