I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment