@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

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@CYComedy

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

@FierceMess

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@ilovepie84

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@IDontSpeakWhine

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@eleniZarro

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard