I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Kids: Stay in school.