I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”