I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit