im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi