I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake