I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Friday night party time 🥳
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*