I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.