I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*jazz hands*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*