I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.