I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays