I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Scream sneezers need love too.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.