I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂