I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.