I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
👾👾👾
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?