“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
2023 was just a warmup
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”