I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I was bored.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My Sentiments Exactly
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
screw you
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*