I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
We need to put an American base on the sun
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow