I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
One venti cheeseburger please.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.