I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Big Sex has us all fooled
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from