I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
also my go-to takeaway order
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.