I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.