I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Can. I. Help. You.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms