I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*