I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?


[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel


Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?


me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident


My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.


Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.


If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.


Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?


I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off


Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard